Anytime I mentioned how bad the boy in grade school was mean to me, people told me his behavior was a result of him liking me. What a twisted concept to learn at such a young age, right? What a horrible way to condition my ideas of admiration before I even start to develop romantic feelings. I honestly believe such ideology explains why some women rate the success of their relationships by the level of drama. Seriously, how many of us have chosen the “bad boy” over the “good guy”? I know some of you would deny these allegations but you have to admit the phrase “good guys finished last” was not created for nothing.
Fast-forwarding, we all grown up, and the more our mate rebels the more we attach. The more our mate ignores us, the more we want their attention. We cry about the disrespect and maltreatment, yet, we stick to them. If we have given up the goods, now our soul is tied. And if the sex is overly good (which is the case in most toxic relationships) then the conjuring of reasons to stay start to flood the brain. We know that we deserve better, but we are also comfortable in our chaos.
What if I told you that love does not have to come with suffering? Sure, Corinthians 13 in the Bible indicates love is longsuffering. I don’t think it meant we had to be mentally, physically, and spiritually tortured by our mate. It is indicative of having a mate to accompany and support us through our longsuffering. It means trials may occur, but you two can get through it. It does not mean sticking to a situation for the sake of sticking to a situation. It does not mean staying with someone to prove to others that it was “meant to be.”
I could go down my favorite psychological street and delve into levels of self-esteem and self-worth. However, in this post, I want to go down the route of re-conditioning how women view love. Honestly, I am guilty of being a drama seeker. I will admit I have dated some crazy ones. I tried to hold on to those crazy ones too. Today I look back and think, “What the hell was I thinking.” I was even trying to carry that behavior into my marriage. My husband is a no drama type of guy and I still tried ruffling his feathers. He has and will probably never oblige me when I am having one of my unnecessary rants. I would end up in the room mad with myself and have to apologize days later for picking a fight.
This behavior had me question myself, “Why the Drama?” Was it that I was afraid of peace? Was it out of boredom? I thought a fiery relationship consisted of …well …fire. Being in a relationship that involved peace and stability was not a concept. Having conversations instead of yelling was boring. I then realized, it wasn’t my husband that was the problem it was me. Here I am in a relationship with my best friend and I am sabotaging it by emulating a Lifetime movie. That is when I realized the tragic dating experiences I encountered somehow transitioned me into an actual tragedy.
The relationship I had with myself was tragic. I am my hardest critic. Very rarely had I taken it easy on myself. These high expectations I set for myself were now permeating into all the relationships. If nothing was wrong I created something wrong. In lament terms, I was sabotaging anything peaceful. Now I will take a trip down the psychological world and admit I thought I deserved the drama. I did not feel good enough.
Not only did I carry the weight of self-loathing, I tried to live up to all the womanly social norms.
I see the most successful businesswomen doing odd things to gain the attention of a mate. They touch thousands of people publicly then go home to a mate that doesn’t add to their happiness. Some women dumb themselves down to grab the attention of a mate. Some women are criticized for being too picky as if it’s inhumane to have standards and stick to them. Women are taught if we don’t act a certain way then a man will leave us or cheat on us. In reality, we can do all the so-called right things and if a man wants to step out on you then he will.
Somehow, women are held accountable for how men treat them. There have been countless times I’ve seen the public blame the woman for her husband’s action. A prime example would be actress Lela Rochon. Some people felt her weight gain was the reason her husband cheated on her.
This type of foolishness tears away a women’s worth. It is improbable for a woman to be held accountable for someone else’s actions. It is insane for women to think that they are at fault in every situation. It is heartbreaking for women to have to alter themselves while their mates continue the same piss poor behavior. Women, have the power to hold people accountable for their actions. If you have a short-tempered and disrespectful partner, it could be that is has nothing to do with you and that he is just an asshole.
Grab Hold of Confidence
The most beautiful and dangerous thing is a confident woman. Confidence is exclusive; everyone has access to it. Love is supposed to be a pleasurable thing, not a Tyler Perry movie. You’re never stuck in a relationship. You have the right to set and uphold boundaries and leave the relationship when those boundaries are not respected. The R&B singer Ciara is the prime example of leaving a toxic relationship and starting a life with a man that treats her right. People always joke about learning Ciara’s relationship prayer. I’d like to think she woke up one day and was like, “Naw, I deserve better than this.”
Love is a beautifully painted picture that can either grow more beautiful with time or loses its appeal over time. When it has lost its appeal, we have the choice to throw it away. If the relationship is flourishing then cherish it and hold on to it. We are all worthy of healthy love and don’t have to settle for that schoolboy behavior.
Are you a person that has simmered in a toxic relationship? Or have thoughts about the post? If so, please feel free to comment. Also, if you would like to share your experience on the website or podcast, you can click the link or text the BYOK community at (773) 819-2378.