When I was dating I wish I was more like Lizzo. It would’ve been great to look myself in the mirror and say “Girl, You the one!”
What an awesome word of thought it’d been to learn to be my own boo before becoming someone else’s. Some of you may be wondering why a married woman would even choose this topic? I have not always been married. I’ve come across all types of personalities of guys. Some that were amazing to me and some that I wanted to bust their windows out. But I digress.
The most dangerous thing of dating are the connections that are formed. Even after a toxic guy would show me who they were, I still found it impossible to let them go.
Back then, I did not understand the concept of connecting souls. I did not equate a night of passion to later relinquish my unpredictable and irrational side.
“Sex is like gluing two pieces of wood together and the next day ripping them apart. Of course, wood from the opposite board remains on each board. A piece of your sex partner (the good, bad, and ugly) stays with you (and vice versa) for the rest of your life. You can only imagine what it looks like when you bond with multiple partners.”Moralrevolution.com
It is already dangerous to be soulfully tied to one toxic person but it’s even more detrimental to be tied to multiple people. Overtime unhealthy soul ties can cause you to question your worth and blind you to how you should be treated. It will make it close to impossible to maintain healthy relationships as you will find yourself fawning over that toxic ex that makes simultaneously feel so good yet horrible.
How Do You Untie an Soul Knot?
Some would argue that people focus on past lovers because there’s something wrong in their present relationship. Although that could be the case, there is that slight chance that people are stuck in the past because they don’t know what peace feels like.
This conditioning has caused this person to crave drama and almost invite maltreatment from their toxic partner. The great news is you can re-condition this behavior by re-establishing your self-worth. I call it a reestablishment because there was a point in your life when you set standards on what you wanted in a mate. You set boundaries that would protect your heart from assholes.
The most beneficial tools I’ve used in the past is my journal and mirror.
I used my journal to jot down all of the emotions I felt towards a person or situation and then re-read my words to myself. As I re-read my words I was forced to face the craziness I allowed and how dark it made me feel. It was like a personal intervention.
The blessing of the journal is it gives you the power to change your mind about yourself. It reminds you of how important you are which in turn helps to rebuild your relationship with you. The more secure you become in yourself the more others will start to see your value. And even when people may miss your value, you’ll be secure enough to teach them how to treat you or move on.
2. Mirror Talk
My second helper is my mirror. If you follow me on social media, I have mentioned the power of mirror talk. This concept was first introduced to me by my life coach. Mirror talk consists of you looking yourself in the mirror and reciting your good qualities to yourself.
When I first started mirror talk, all I could think of are things I disliked about myself. I think the first day I said to myself, “I love your eyes.” That was all I could come up with. As the days progressed I found more positive things to say about myself. I noticed how my confidence grew. This reminder of how awesome I was caused me to stand up for myself and not take the crap anymore.
Later these compliments transitioned to affirmations and later I found myself having conversations about my goals with myself. It felt good to remind me of my worth and it gifted me self validation. How important it is to be able to tell yourself how amazing you are!
Now that you are feeling yourself, it is time to cut those knots!
There were two exercises hat worked for me.
1. Jotting Down Your Future With Your Ex
The first exercise I tried was jotting down why I am grateful my toxic exes are not in my life. This is a form of reverse thinking. Most of us are hung on a person because we feel like we missed out. This exercise allows you to realistically compare notes to how your toxic ex treated you and how that would affect your life in the future.
Here’s an example:
I am grateful that Bobby is out of my life because he seemed to get antsy anytime I wanted to go out. I lost great friends in the past because of his jealousy and control and I am pretty sure that my remaining friendships wouldn’t have lasted if we remained together. His trust issues sometimes put a damper of my good mood and I probably would be miserable if we were still dating.
This example helps a person to stop romanticizing a toxic relationship and cause them to see how this person would affect their future life.
2. Emotional Detox
The second exercise is having an emotional release detox. This is important to do after you’ve reestablished confidence as it will clearly help you see what you did not deserve. I used Goddess Detox for this ceremony. It was a great experience but you can choose to do this in your own way.
The first thing I did was list my exes. I set up the Goddess Detox and then meditated on the list. One by one I called out their names and recited the things I did not deserve from them. The more I recited the more I cried leaving me to recite several times “I did not deserve that.” When that detox was over, Oh Hunny, I felt relieved.
After these exercises I was no longer sad or angry about things that happened decades ago. I was now grateful for my present and no longer made my husband pay for my insecurities and someone else’s mistakes. I am confident in knowing I have the power to set boundaries and you can have this power too. Please know that you are enough and deserve someone that adds to your worth.