Desuppression

Desuppresion is basically a word I made up to describe the purposeful unraveling of anxiety and emotions that have been pinned up inside of me for years. The side affects is uncontrollable crying with a side of anger and disgust.

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You may be wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It’s simple…I am allowing myself to feel. I am undergoing an emotional purge. In other words, I am going through emotional hell to obtain mental release.

I was never aware of how much stuff I actually suppressed. I mean, I suppressed the good and bad memories. Just pushed them all away until years later I am feeling numb. Smells, voices and noises no longer projected a memory for me. A lot of things stopped affecting me and when emotions did surface they were not quite appropriate. Or they would last longer than they needed to.

How did this happen?

I honestly don’t know the exact place and time but I remember promising myself to not feel pain again. This caused me to first block hurtful experiences and then good occurrences that were tied to a bad experiences. Then after awhile I just throw all the memories to the back of the brain. Years and years later I became a professional suppressor not realizing this was a major road block for me.

I didn’t realize I was a habitual suppressor until the day I was purging my closet. I ran across old letters and pictures that pricked some emotions. Some papers I came across I honestly forgot and felt ashamed because they were happy things. The more I found, the weirder I felt. This day was different from others because I was actually feeling something. In a matter of hours I cried, laughed and aggressively tore pages in half and discarded them.

On the Bright Side…

I started to remember Saturday morning pancakes with my mom, old high school memories and my deceased loved ones I would give anything to hug again. I came across ex-friends and love letters.  I laughed at the jokes and remembered pivotal things I learned from them.

The more things I discovered the further I saw how far I came. Some guilt overshadowed me when I thought of some of the friendships I messed up or the times I blew off advice from elders. Joy warmed my heart when I read old letters from my late “Lil Auntie” (that’s what we called her). Or my late Uncle Bubba that sent encouraging words all the way from Bowling Green, Kentucky. Or the picture my grade school best friend ,who I am blessed to still know, drew.

I was mentally wore out when I finished that closet but that night I never slept so well.

I woke up the next day wondering how long I’ve been denying myself to feel and after I could not pin point it I just started praying for God to resurrect what was dead inside of me. And boy and boy the emotions started overflowing. A lot of conversations came in the forefront and I grew angry as if the conversations just happened.  

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One of the worse feelings was reliving heartbreak all over again. There were some things that resurfaced that literally made my chest hurt. Some of these things caused me to cry uncontrollably and no matter how hard it hurt I allowed it happen. This was not a pretty but I was relieved when I was all cried out.  I found that I could talk about it without no longer getting upset.

I will admit this was rough for me but I am no longer numb. I am no longer bitter. I smile more. I forgive faster. I let myself off the hook for past mistakes both controllable and uncontrollable.  It’s re-building my confidence. I am trusting more often. I am feeling comfortable in my skin. It’s turned out to be a beautiful thing.

I am convinced that one of the symptoms of depression stem from holding in emotions. We are conditioned to keep telling ourselves that we are fine when in fact we aren’t.

Why is it such a bad thing to admit your day is crummy? One notable fact about emotions is they’re temporary, so why not just feel them until it passes. Why spend energy for years at a time permanently holding on to something that could be temporary and pass in a moment’s time?

If you are rejected for something why not feel that anger and sadness and then encourage yourself to try again. If someone hurts your feelings why not write about it and cry it out like Erica Barry in the movie “Something’s Gotta Give” until you no longer need the tissue box.

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Have you ever underwent an emotional purge? How was your experience?

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