Road to Self Love

It all started with an idea…the idea of love. The romanticism of falling in love then being in love then dying in love is all she thought of. This idea was birthed since Ken and Barbie’s big day. The day they joined hands in holy matrimony was the day she wished that for herself. She yearned for what her parents had as they were and still are happily married. She experienced her first kiss at 14. This kiss was magical and more than she ever dreamed but Johnny was kissing everyone so the moment was short-lived. Still optimistic she fell for Brandon, her official first love, and they dated throughout high school and married at 18. Within two years of wedding bliss they conceived their first child. This was their “love child” so to speak as they told everyone how much this baby was conceived in love. One year later and now a family of three the love is still there but Brandon is not. He spends his time out more often with the fellas and when at home he is attached to his phone screen. She begs for help with the baby but he doesn’t take heed. At night when it’s quiet he grabs her for intimacy and even when disgusted she always obliged. That is the time he is at his most attentive and speak sweet nothings in her ears.

Four years has passed and she is close to delivering her second child. Brandon is not home much due to working and taking a drinking break. Love is still there but Brandon and his intimacy is not. He stopped reaching for her at night and sometimes don’t come home. She wants to say something but doesn’t want to ruffle his feathers because he’s angry when he drinks. Seven years has passed and love is still there. She fights tooth and nail for Brandon to stay home but he always storm out the house. She decided this isn’t love and moves back home. Brandon comes home to find that love is no longer there but he proceeds as normal. She and the kids move in with mom and love is not there either. The kids are preoccupied with grandma and she doesn’t know what to do in her free time.

 She noticed Brandon is not calling as much as she thought he would and is wondering if these last years were wasted. She decided to go to a bar and run into her first kiss Johnny. They talk for hours then one thing leads into the next. The next morning she is embarrassed with the intentions of never calling him again. The next couple of days they meet and her and Johnny are inseparable. Months passed and Johnny notices things are moving too fast and let her know he is only looking for a casual relationship. She is crushed and won’t accept those terms.  She immediately called Brandon but he was drunk and pleaded she’d come home.

She agreed to meet with him the next day but when returning home the house was in shambles and Brandon was not there. Infuriated she wondered why she came back at all and sat on the couch and started to cry. The neighbor walked by to see her on the couch and knocked on the door. She is happy for a visitor and explains everything to her and asked if something was wrong with her wanting love. The neighbor asked her what  she wanted in life and she replied, “Love”. The neighbor explained how she is loved by her children. To her that wasn’t enough or at least the same. The neighbor then proceeded to ask how she felt about herself and she couldn’t reply.

She never thought about herself in that way, she romanticized receiving love from someone else. Upset she did not have a response she starts getting acquainted with herself by journaling. She started learning about her likes and dislikes. The stronger she knew herself the more she arrived to be present for her children. She realized her career of choice and starting putting things in place to get there. She learned that love from a man was nice but self love was more valuable. She’s did not need validation from Brandon of Johnny but from herself. A year passed Brandon text her of how sorry he was, she read it and sat the phone down.

She waited two days to reply

She simply looked at the phone and thought for ten seconds…then replied, “Me”

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