By Sandra McCoy
Being a 3 time divorcee, life after marriage differed but carried the same feelings. Each time was worse than the time before because I stacked each marital relationship into the next. It wasn’t until my third divorce that I realized I never allowed myself time to heal from the prior marriages. I just kept going and going ignoring the hurts and situations I underwent in my previous relationships. After spending time with myself I identified I suppressed how lost, defeated and hurt I really was.
No matter how bad each marriage had gotten, after each divorce I was in reminded me of not only the bad times, but the good times as well. There were times of regrets and “would’ves and should’ves”. Through it all I never wanted to allow myself to get so hurt that I close myself off to ever loving again. I never want fear to disallow me from falling in love even if it chanced me getting hurt again.
Who wants to never love again? Why would someone want to lock themselves in the prison of non-feeling or non-emotions?
You would think it would be a person that was hurt from a failed marriage. In my opinion, the emotions of getting divorced is similar to when someone you love dies, except it is the relationship that dies and you are left with nothing but memories. It’s comparable to going through the mourning and grief process as though your heart is being ripped into a thousand pieces but yet you still yearn to love again yet the fear is overwhelming and loneliness takes over.
My Healing Process
To overcome these feelings I surrounded myself with my daughters who did whatever they could to fill those feelings of emptiness, they love me unconditionally and that helped heal a lot of the open wounds. Their love soothed and comforted me. I went out with my friends who let me exhale and embraced me in the sisterhood. I was encouraged by some family members that it would be alright. I dated myself. But most of all, I prayed to God to help me get through these times in my life and to take the hurt away and he answered my prayers time and time and time again. He comforted me, he held me in his arms when I cried myself to sleep, he kept my mind sane when I thought I was losing it, he loved me through each time into recovery, healing and hope to move forward past the horrible way I was feeling and he allowed me to open my heart to love again.
If this isn’t obvious by now…
I’m a hopeless romantic and even by going through the divorce process, I’ve lived and learned to not to compare my new mate to my old ones, to not build walls and barriers, and not hold the next person accountable and imprison them to my exes mistakes. I learned to take a chance again to feel being loved and appreciated and to keep God first in the relationship. Overtime I’ve learned not to put unrealistic expectations on another’s ability and capabilities to love and to maintain my identity while in love. Most importantly I’ve allowed myself to love again.
Is allowing myself to love again hard at first? Yes! But is it worth it?
There is life and love after a failed marriage. Yes you can and will love again through the hurt process, you just have to go through the process to get to the reward.